Hysterical-rectemies

IMG_1503Sept 3rd, 2013 – A year ago today, I had a hysterectomy.   I had a uterine fibroid that had reached 6-7cm.  Which means it had been gaining 1-2cm a year since it was first detected, and no sign in sight of it getting smaller.  My first gynecologist wanted to cut me open with a 4-5 inch cut, she wasn’t sure if she was going to cut me horizontal or vertical, and I decided NFW was she touching me.  My doctor referred me to another gynecologist, who teaches other gynecologists how to do daVinci surgeries (4 small holes, instead of one big gash), and the rest was “hystery.”  

After the procedure, I remember recovering in the hospital, feeling so wonderful.  And then the drugs wore off…and I still felt so wonderful.   All the stress, anxiety, frustration, and pissiness that came with being a woman…just vanished.   I joke now that I still can’t believe how much HATE a uterus holds, and you don’t realize it until it’s gone.  The wonderment that enveloped my mind when I realized I never had to buy maxi pads or tampons ever again.   No more taking birth control pills – you know the ones that made your face break out, made you gain weight, and so friggin’ moody no one wanted to have sex with you once you started taking them.   No more having to plan vacations around “my highly erratic cycle.”   No more cancelled “date nights” because I started early.   I have never been so happy, even though other circumstances in my life are not always so wonderful.

Perhaps I will regret someday, that I never had children.  Being from Italian Catholic and Lebanese Catholic families, having children and the importance of family was always stressed.   But sometimes, in a fit of anger, my mother would always say “Someday, you’re going to have a daughter JUST LIKE YOU.”  When she said it, the underlying message was that I must’ve been a terrible daughter.  I know NOW that I’m not.   But the incentive to reproduce after hearing that was long gone.  Who needed that grief and aggravation?   Not me…at the time.  

A few years ago, I decided to choose my family, because the family I was born into wasn’t going to last forever.   And I have to admit, since September 3rd, 2013, my reproductive options have been pretty limited!   My chosen family is awesome-sauce.  It changes from time to time, as families do, but I have some great people in my life.  Sometimes I meet them through comedy, sometimes I meet them through my strange life – but they are there and I can’t thank them enough!

Author: PrincessOfParodies

The self proclaimed love child of Liza Minelli and Klinger, Traci Kanaan grew up in Berea, Ohio, a quiet middle class community on Cleveland's west side. Her Italian mother loved opera, dance and theater. Her Lebanese father loved stock car racing, flea markets, and dirty jokes. Traci combined these influences to make a comedy yard sale...with music. You've seen it before...but not on display like this! Traci started taking piano lessons at the age of 4. Never one to play it the way it was written, she constantly improvised during her piano lessons by making up funny lyrics or changing the endings, ultimately burning out 8 piano teachers before she graduated from high school. Traci attended Otterbein College in Westerville, Ohio, and graduated with a B.A. in Music and Business, and with minors in Music Composition, Electronic Music, and Piano Performance. For her senior recital, she composed all original music, performed by other students. Each piece reflected her sense of humor, including bras being pulled out of saxophones, compositions performed on children's toys, and the staged death of a performer…assassinated by a ping pong ball gun. In 2002 and 2003, Traci performed in Tony and Tina's Wedding as the 8 months pregnant maid of honor, Connie Mocogni. She had so much fun, she continued performing stand up comedy and improv with some of the comics she met in the show. Traci continues her irreverence by creatively combining stand up comedy with her piano and vocal performances. She covers numerous topics, including her life and family, pop culture, and current events. Her performances include a wide spectrum of musical styles including classical music, oldies, rock 'n roll, country and rap. Whatever the occasion, Traci Kanaan combines her love of laughter and music as The Princess of Parodies. She is a real crowd pleaser, and an unforgettable, hilariously funny novelty comedy act!

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